What o’clock is it?—Old Saying.
Everybody knows, in a general way, that the finest place in the
world is—or, alas, was—the Dutch borough of
Vondervotteimittiss. Yet as it lies some distance from any of the
main roads, being in a somewhat out-of-the-way situation, there
are perhaps very few of my readers who have ever paid it a visit.
For the benefit of those who have not, therefore, it will be only
proper that I should enter into some account of it. And this is
indeed the more necessary, as with the hope of enlisting public
sympathy in behalf of the inhabitants, I design here to give a
history of the calamitous events which have so lately occurred
within its limits. No one who knows me will doubt that the duty
thus self-imposed will be executed to the best of my ability,
with all that rigid impartiality, all that cautious examination
into facts, and diligent collation of authorities, which should
ever distinguish him who aspires to the title of historian.
By the united aid of medals, manuscripts, and inscriptions, I am
enabled to say, positively, that the borough of
Vondervotteimittiss has existed, from its origin, in precisely
the same condition which it at present preserves. Of the date of
this origin, however, I grieve that I can only speak with that
species of indefinite definiteness which mathematicians are, at
times, forced to put up with in certain algebraic formulae. The
date, I may thus say, in regard to the remoteness of its
antiquity, cannot be less than any assignable quantity
whatsoever.
Touching the derivation of the name Vondervotteimittiss, I
confess myself, with sorrow, equally at fault. Among a multitude
of opinions upon this delicate point—some acute, some learned,
some sufficiently the reverse—I am able to select nothing which
ought to be considered satisfactory. Perhaps the idea of
Grogswigg—nearly coincident with that of Kroutaplenttey—is to be
cautiously preferred.—It runs:—“Vondervotteimittis—Vonder, lege
Donder—Votteimittis, quasi und Bleitziz—Bleitziz obsol:—pro
Blitzen.” This derivative, to say the truth, is still
countenanced by some traces of the electric fluid evident on the
summit of the steeple of the House of the Town-Council. I do not
choose, however, to commit myself on a theme of such importance,
and must refer the reader desirous of information to the
“Oratiunculae de Rebus Praeter-Veteris,” of Dundergutz. See,
also, Blunderbuzzard “De Derivationibus,” pp. 27 to 5010, Folio,
Gothic edit., Red and Black character, Catch-word and No Cypher;
wherein consult, also, marginal notes in the autograph of
Stuffundpuff, with the Sub-Commentaries of Gruntundguzzell.
Notwithstanding the obscurity which thus envelops the date of the
foundation of Vondervotteimittis, and the derivation of its name,
there can be no doubt, as I said before, that it has always
existed as we find it at this epoch. The oldest man in the
borough can remember not the slightest difference in the
appearance of any portion of it; and, indeed, the very suggestion
of such a possibility is considered an insult. The site of the
village is in a perfectly circular valley, about a quarter of a
mile in circumference, and entirely surrounded by gentle hills,
over whose summit the people have never yet ventured to pass. For
this they assign the very good reason that they do not believe
there is anything at all on the other side.
Round the skirts of the valley (which is quite level, and paved
throughout with flat tiles), extends a continuous row of sixty
little houses. These, having their backs on the hills, must look,
of course, to the centre of the plain, which is just sixty yards
from the front door of each dwelling. Every house has a small
garden before it, with a circular path, a sun-dial, and
twenty-four cabbages. The buildings themselves are so precisely
alike, that one can in no manner be distinguished from the other.
Owing to the vast antiquity, the style of architecture is
somewhat odd, but it is not for that reason the less strikingly
picturesque. They are fashioned of hard-burned little bricks,
red, with black ends, so that the walls look like a chess-board
upon a great scale. The gables are turned to the front, and there
are cornices, as big as all the rest of the house, over the eaves
and over the main doors. The windows are narrow and deep, with
very tiny panes and a great deal of sash. On the roof is a vast
quantity of tiles with long curly ears. The woodwork, throughout,
is of a dark hue and there is much carving about it, with but a
trifling variety of pattern for, time out of mind, the carvers of
Vondervotteimittiss have never been able to carve more than two
objects—a time-piece and a cabbage. But these they do exceedingly
well, and intersperse them, with singular ingenuity, wherever
they find room for the chisel.
The dwellings are as much alike inside as out, and the furniture
is all upon one plan. The floors are of square tiles, the chairs
and tables of black-looking wood with thin crooked legs and puppy
feet. The mantelpieces are wide and high, and have not only
time-pieces and cabbages sculptured over the front, but a real
time-piece, which makes a prodigious ticking, on the top in the
middle, with a flower-pot containing a cabbage standing on each
extremity by way of outrider. Between each cabbage and the
time-piece, again, is a little China man having a large stomach
with a great round hole in it, through which is seen the
dial-plate of a watch.
The fireplaces are large and deep, with fierce crooked-looking
fire-dogs. There is constantly a rousing fire, and a huge pot
over it, full of sauer-kraut and pork, to which the good woman of
the house is always busy in attending. She is a little fat old
lady, with blue eyes and a red face, and wears a huge cap like a
sugar-loaf, ornamented with purple and yellow ribbons. Her dress
is of orange-colored linsey-woolsey, made very full behind and
very short in the waist—and indeed very short in other respects,
not reaching below the middle of her leg. This is somewhat thick,
and so are her ankles, but she has a fine pair of green stockings
to cover them. Her shoes—of pink leather—are fastened each with a
bunch of yellow ribbons puckered up in the shape of a cabbage. In
her left hand she has a little heavy Dutch watch; in her right
she wields a ladle for the sauerkraut and pork. By her side there
stands a fat tabby cat, with a gilt toy-repeater tied to its
tail, which “the boys” have there fastened by way of a quiz.
The boys themselves are, all three of them, in the garden
attending the pig. They are each two feet in height. They have
three-cornered cocked hats, purple waistcoats reaching down to
their thighs, buckskin knee-breeches, red stockings, heavy shoes
with big silver buckles, long surtout coats with large buttons of
mother-of-pearl. Each, too, has a pipe in his mouth, and a little
dumpy watch in his right hand. He takes a puff and a look, and
then a look and a puff. The pig—which is corpulent and lazy—is
occupied now in picking up the stray leaves that fall from the
cabbages, and now in giving a kick behind at the gilt repeater,
which the urchins have also tied to his tail in order to make him
look as handsome as the cat.
Right at the front door, in a high-backed leather-bottomed armed
chair, with crooked legs and puppy feet like the tables, is
seated the old man of the house himself. He is an exceedingly
puffy little old gentleman, with big circular eyes and a huge
double chin. His dress resembles that of the boys—and I need say
nothing farther about it. All the difference is, that his pipe is
somewhat bigger than theirs and he can make a greater smoke. Like
them, he has a watch, but he carries his watch in his pocket. To
say the truth, he has something of more importance than a watch
to attend to—and what that is, I shall presently explain. He sits
with his right leg upon his left knee, wears a grave countenance,
and always keeps one of his eyes, at least, resolutely bent upon
a certain remarkable object in the centre of the plain.
This object is situated in the steeple of the House of the Town
Council. The Town Council are all very little, round, oily,
intelligent men, with big saucer eyes and fat double chins, and
have their coats much longer and their shoe-buckles much bigger
than the ordinary inhabitants of Vondervotteimittiss. Since my
sojourn in the borough, they have had several special meetings,
and have adopted these three important resolutions:
“That it is wrong to alter the good old course of things:”
“That there is nothing tolerable out of Vondervotteimittiss:”
and—
“That we will stick by our clocks and our cabbages.”
Above the session-room of the Council is the steeple, and in the
steeple is the belfry, where exists, and has existed time out of
mind, the pride and wonder of the village—the great clock of the
borough of Vondervotteimittiss. And this is the object to which
the eyes of the old gentlemen are turned who sit in the
leather-bottomed arm-chairs.
The great clock has seven faces—one in each of the seven sides of
the steeple—so that it can be readily seen from all quarters. Its
faces are large and white, and its hands heavy and black. There
is a belfry-man whose sole duty is to attend to it; but this duty
is the most perfect of sinecures—for the clock of
Vondervotteimittis was never yet known to have anything the
matter with it. Until lately, the bare supposition of such a
thing was considered heretical. From the remotest period of
antiquity to which the archives have reference, the hours have
been regularly struck by the big bell. And, indeed the case was
just the same with all the other clocks and watches in the
borough. Never was such a place for keeping the true time. When
the large clapper thought proper to say “Twelve o’clock!” all its
obedient followers opened their throats simultaneously, and
responded like a very echo. In short, the good burghers were fond
of their sauer-kraut, but then they were proud of their clocks.
All people who hold sinecure offices are held in more or less
respect, and as the belfry—man of Vondervotteimittiss has the
most perfect of sinecures, he is the most perfectly respected of
any man in the world. He is the chief dignitary of the borough,
and the very pigs look up to him with a sentiment of reverence.
His coat-tail is very far longer—his pipe, his shoe-buckles, his
eyes, and his stomach, very far bigger—than those of any other
old gentleman in the village; and as to his chin, it is not only
double, but triple.
I have thus painted the happy estate of Vondervotteimittiss:
alas, that so fair a picture should ever experience a reverse!
There has been long a saying among the wisest inhabitants, that
“no good can come from over the hills”; and it really seemed that
the words had in them something of the spirit of prophecy. It
wanted five minutes of noon, on the day before yesterday, when
there appeared a very odd-looking object on the summit of the
ridge of the eastward. Such an occurrence, of course, attracted
universal attention, and every little old gentleman who sat in a
leather-bottomed arm-chair turned one of his eyes with a stare of
dismay upon the phenomenon, still keeping the other upon the
clock in the steeple.
By the time that it wanted only three minutes to noon, the droll
object in question was perceived to be a very diminutive
foreign-looking young man. He descended the hills at a great
rate, so that every body had soon a good look at him. He was
really the most finicky little personage that had ever been seen
in Vondervotteimittiss. His countenance was of a dark
snuff-color, and he had a long hooked nose, pea eyes, a wide
mouth, and an excellent set of teeth, which latter he seemed
anxious of displaying, as he was grinning from ear to ear. What
with mustachios and whiskers, there was none of the rest of his
face to be seen. His head was uncovered, and his hair neatly done
up in papillotes. His dress was a tight-fitting swallow-tailed
black coat (from one of whose pockets dangled a vast length of
white handkerchief), black kerseymere knee-breeches, black
stockings, and stumpy-looking pumps, with huge bunches of black
satin ribbon for bows. Under one arm he carried a huge
chapeau-de-bras, and under the other a fiddle nearly five times
as big as himself. In his left hand was a gold snuff-box, from
which, as he capered down the hill, cutting all manner of
fantastic steps, he took snuff incessantly with an air of the
greatest possible self-satisfaction. God bless me!—here was a
sight for the honest burghers of Vondervotteimittiss!
To speak plainly, the fellow had, in spite of his grinning, an
audacious and sinister kind of face; and as he curvetted right
into the village, the old stumpy appearance of his pumps excited
no little suspicion; and many a burgher who beheld him that day
would have given a trifle for a peep beneath the white cambric
handkerchief which hung so obtrusively from the pocket of his
swallow-tailed coat. But what mainly occasioned a righteous
indignation was, that the scoundrelly popinjay, while he cut a
fandango here, and a whirligig there, did not seem to have the
remotest idea in the world of such a thing as keeping time in his
steps.
The good people of the borough had scarcely a chance, however, to
get their eyes thoroughly open, when, just as it wanted half a
minute of noon, the rascal bounced, as I say, right into the
midst of them; gave a chassez here, and a balancez there; and
then, after a pirouette and a pas-de-zephyr, pigeon-winged
himself right up into the belfry of the House of the Town
Council, where the wonder-stricken belfry-man sat smoking in a
state of dignity and dismay. But the little chap seized him at
once by the nose; gave it a swing and a pull; clapped the big
chapeau-de-bras upon his head; knocked it down over his eyes
and mouth; and then, lifting up the big fiddle, beat him with it
so long and so soundly, that what with the belfry-man being so
fat, and the fiddle being so hollow, you would have sworn that
there was a regiment of double-bass drummers all beating the
devil’s tattoo up in the belfry of the steeple of
Vondervotteimittiss.
There is no knowing to what desperate act of vengeance this
unprincipled attack might have aroused the inhabitants, but for
the important fact that it now wanted only half a second of noon.
The bell was about to strike, and it was a matter of absolute and
pre-eminent necessity that every body should look well at his
watch. It was evident, however, that just at this moment the
fellow in the steeple was doing something that he had no business
to do with the clock. But as it now began to strike, nobody had
any time to attend to his manœuvres, for they had all to count
the strokes of the bell as it sounded.
“One!” said the clock.
“Von!” echoed every little old gentleman in every
leather-bottomed arm-chair in Vondervotteimittiss. “Von!” said
his watch also; “von!” said the watch of his vrow; and “von!”
said the watches of the boys, and the little gilt repeaters on
the tails of the cat and pig.
“Two!” continued the big bell; and
“Doo!” repeated all the repeaters.
“Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!” said the bell.
“Dree! Vour! Fibe! Sax! Seben! Aight! Noin! Den!” answered the
others.
“Eleven!” said the big one.
“Eleben!” assented the little ones.
“Twelve!” said the bell.
“Dvelf!” they replied perfectly satisfied, and dropping their
voices.
“Und dvelf it is!” said all the little old gentlemen, putting up
their watches. But the big bell had not done with them yet.
“Thirteen!” said he.
“Der Teufel!” gasped the little old gentlemen, turning pale,
dropping their pipes, and putting down all their right legs from
over their left knees.
“Der Teufel!” groaned they, “Dirteen! Dirteen!!—Mein Gott, it is
Dirteen o’clock!!”
Why attempt to describe the terrible scene which ensued? All
Vondervotteimittiss flew at once into a lamentable state of
uproar.
“Vot is cum’d to mein pelly?” roared all the boys—“I’ve been
ongry for dis hour!”
“Vot is com’d to mein kraut?” screamed all the vrows, “It has
been done to rags for this hour!”
“Vot is cum’d to mein pipe?” swore all the little old gentlemen,
“Donder and Blitzen; it has been smoked out for dis hour!”—and
they filled them up again in a great rage, and sinking back in
their arm-chairs, puffed away so fast and so fiercely that the
whole valley was immediately filled with impenetrable smoke.
Meantime the cabbages all turned very red in the face, and it
seemed as if old Nick himself had taken possession of every thing
in the shape of a timepiece. The clocks carved upon the furniture
took to dancing as if bewitched, while those upon the
mantel-pieces could scarcely contain themselves for fury, and
kept such a continual striking of thirteen, and such a frisking
and wriggling of their pendulums as was really horrible to see.
But, worse than all, neither the cats nor the pigs could put up
any longer with the behavior of the little repeaters tied to
their tails, and resented it by scampering all over the place,
scratching and poking, and squeaking and screeching, and
caterwauling and squalling, and flying into the faces, and
running under the petticoats of the people, and creating
altogether the most abominable din and confusion which it is
possible for a reasonable person to conceive. And to make matters
still more distressing, the rascally little scape-grace in the
steeple was evidently exerting himself to the utmost. Every now
and then one might catch a glimpse of the scoundrel through the
smoke. There he sat in the belfry upon the belfry-man, who was
lying flat upon his back. In his teeth the villain held the
bell-rope, which he kept jerking about with his head, raising
such a clatter that my ears ring again even to think of it. On
his lap lay the big fiddle, at which he was scraping, out of all
time and tune, with both hands, making a great show, the
nincompoop! of playing “Judy O’Flannagan and Paddy O’Rafferty.”
Affairs being thus miserably situated, I left the place in
disgust, and now appeal for aid to all lovers of correct time and
fine kraut. Let us proceed in a body to the borough, and restore
the ancient order of things in Vondervotteimittiss by ejecting
that little fellow from the steeple.
What o’clock is it?—Old Saying.
Everybody knows, in a general way, that the finest place in the
world is—or, alas, was—the Dutch borough of
Vondervotteimittiss. Yet as it lies some distance from any of the
main roads, being in a somewhat out-of-the-way situation, there
are perhaps very few of my readers who have ever paid it a visit.
For the benefit of those who have not, therefore, it will be only
proper that I should enter into some account of it. And this is
indeed the more necessary, as with the hope of enlisting public
sympathy in behalf of the inhabitants, I design here to give a
history of the calamitous events which have so lately occurred
within its limits. No one who knows me will doubt that the duty
thus self-imposed will be executed to the best of my ability,
with all that rigid impartiality, all that cautious examination
into facts, and diligent collation of authorities, which should
ever distinguish him who aspires to the title of historian.
By the united aid of medals, manuscripts, and inscriptions, I am
enabled to say, positively, that the borough of
Vondervotteimittiss has existed, from its origin, in precisely
the same condition which it at present preserves. Of the date of
this origin, however, I grieve that I can only speak with that
species of indefinite definiteness which mathematicians are, at
times, forced to put up with in certain algebraic formulae. The
date, I may thus say, in regard to the remoteness of its
antiquity, cannot be less than any assignable quantity
whatsoever.
Touching the derivation of the name Vondervotteimittiss, I
confess myself, with sorrow, equally at fault. Among a multitude
of opinions upon this delicate point—some acute, some learned,
some sufficiently the reverse—I am able to select nothing which
ought to be considered satisfactory. Perhaps the idea of
Grogswigg—nearly coincident with that of Kroutaplenttey—is to be
cautiously preferred.—It runs:—“Vondervotteimittis—Vonder, lege
Donder—Votteimittis, quasi und Bleitziz—Bleitziz obsol:—pro
Blitzen.” This derivative, to say the truth, is still
countenanced by some traces of the electric fluid evident on the
summit of the steeple of the House of the Town-Council. I do not
choose, however, to commit myself on a theme of such importance,
and must refer the reader desirous of information to the
“Oratiunculae de Rebus Praeter-Veteris,” of Dundergutz. See,
also, Blunderbuzzard “De Derivationibus,” pp. 27 to 5010, Folio,
Gothic edit., Red and Black character, Catch-word and No Cypher;
wherein consult, also, marginal notes in the autograph of
Stuffundpuff, with the Sub-Commentaries of Gruntundguzzell.
Notwithstanding the obscurity which thus envelops the date of the
foundation of Vondervotteimittis, and the derivation of its name,
there can be no doubt, as I said before, that it has always
existed as we find it at this epoch. The oldest man in the
borough can remember not the slightest difference in the
appearance of any portion of it; and, indeed, the very suggestion
of such a possibility is considered an insult. The site of the
village is in a perfectly circular valley, about a quarter of a
mile in circumference, and entirely surrounded by gentle hills,
over whose summit the people have never yet ventured to pass. For
this they assign the very good reason that they do not believe
there is anything at all on the other side.
Round the skirts of the valley (which is quite level, and paved
throughout with flat tiles), extends a continuous row of sixty
little houses. These, having their backs on the hills, must look,
of course, to the centre of the plain, which is just sixty yards
from the front door of each dwelling. Every house has a small
garden before it, with a circular path, a sun-dial, and
twenty-four cabbages. The buildings themselves are so precisely
alike, that one can in no manner be distinguished from the other.
Owing to the vast antiquity, the style of architecture is
somewhat odd, but it is not for that reason the less strikingly
picturesque. They are fashioned of hard-burned little bricks,
red, with black ends, so that the walls look like a chess-board
upon a great scale. The gables are turned to the front, and there
are cornices, as big as all the rest of the house, over the eaves
and over the main doors. The windows are narrow and deep, with
very tiny panes and a great deal of sash. On the roof is a vast
quantity of tiles with long curly ears. The woodwork, throughout,
is of a dark hue and there is much carving about it, with but a
trifling variety of pattern for, time out of mind, the carvers of
Vondervotteimittiss have never been able to carve more than two
objects—a time-piece and a cabbage. But these they do exceedingly
well, and intersperse them, with singular ingenuity, wherever
they find room for the chisel.
The dwellings are as much alike inside as out, and the furniture
is all upon one plan. The floors are of square tiles, the chairs
and tables of black-looking wood with thin crooked legs and puppy
feet. The mantelpieces are wide and high, and have not only
time-pieces and cabbages sculptured over the front, but a real
time-piece, which makes a prodigious ticking, on the top in the
middle, with a flower-pot containing a cabbage standing on each
extremity by way of outrider. Between each cabbage and the
time-piece, again, is a little China man having a large stomach
with a great round hole in it, through which is seen the
dial-plate of a watch.
The fireplaces are large and deep, with fierce crooked-looking
fire-dogs. There is constantly a rousing fire, and a huge pot
over it, full of sauer-kraut and pork, to which the good woman of
the house is always busy in attending. She is a little fat old
lady, with blue eyes and a red face, and wears a huge cap like a
sugar-loaf, ornamented with purple and yellow ribbons. Her dress
is of orange-colored linsey-woolsey, made very full behind and
very short in the waist—and indeed very short in other respects,
not reaching below the middle of her leg. This is somewhat thick,
and so are her ankles, but she has a fine pair of green stockings
to cover them. Her shoes—of pink leather—are fastened each with a
bunch of yellow ribbons puckered up in the shape of a cabbage. In
her left hand she has a little heavy Dutch watch; in her right
she wields a ladle for the sauerkraut and pork. By her side there
stands a fat tabby cat, with a gilt toy-repeater tied to its
tail, which “the boys” have there fastened by way of a quiz.
The boys themselves are, all three of them, in the garden
attending the pig. They are each two feet in height. They have
three-cornered cocked hats, purple waistcoats reaching down to
their thighs, buckskin knee-breeches, red stockings, heavy shoes
with big silver buckles, long surtout coats with large buttons of
mother-of-pearl. Each, too, has a pipe in his mouth, and a little
dumpy watch in his right hand. He takes a puff and a look, and
then a look and a puff. The pig—which is corpulent and lazy—is
occupied now in picking up the stray leaves that fall from the
cabbages, and now in giving a kick behind at the gilt repeater,
which the urchins have also tied to his tail in order to make him
look as handsome as the cat.
Right at the front door, in a high-backed leather-bottomed armed
chair, with crooked legs and puppy feet like the tables, is
seated the old man of the house himself. He is an exceedingly
puffy little old gentleman, with big circular eyes and a huge
double chin. His dress resembles that of the boys—and I need say
nothing farther about it. All the difference is, that his pipe is
somewhat bigger than theirs and he can make a greater smoke. Like
them, he has a watch, but he carries his watch in his pocket. To
say the truth, he has something of more importance than a watch
to attend to—and what that is, I shall presently explain. He sits
with his right leg upon his left knee, wears a grave countenance,
and always keeps one of his eyes, at least, resolutely bent upon
a certain remarkable object in the centre of the plain.
This object is situated in the steeple of the House of the Town
Council. The Town Council are all very little, round, oily,
intelligent men, with big saucer eyes and fat double chins, and
have their coats much longer and their shoe-buckles much bigger
than the ordinary inhabitants of Vondervotteimittiss. Since my
sojourn in the borough, they have had several special meetings,
and have adopted these three important resolutions:
“That it is wrong to alter the good old course of things:”
“That there is nothing tolerable out of Vondervotteimittiss:”
and—
“That we will stick by our clocks and our cabbages.”
Above the session-room of the Council is the steeple, and in the
steeple is the belfry, where exists, and has existed time out of
mind, the pride and wonder of the village—the great clock of the
borough of Vondervotteimittiss. And this is the object to which
the eyes of the old gentlemen are turned who sit in the
leather-bottomed arm-chairs.
The great clock has seven faces—one in each of the seven sides of
the steeple—so that it can be readily seen from all quarters. Its
faces are large and white, and its hands heavy and black. There
is a belfry-man whose sole duty is to attend to it; but this duty
is the most perfect of sinecures—for the clock of
Vondervotteimittis was never yet known to have anything the
matter with it. Until lately, the bare supposition of such a
thing was considered heretical. From the remotest period of
antiquity to which the archives have reference, the hours have
been regularly struck by the big bell. And, indeed the case was
just the same with all the other clocks and watches in the
borough. Never was such a place for keeping the true time. When
the large clapper thought proper to say “Twelve o’clock!” all its
obedient followers opened their throats simultaneously, and
responded like a very echo. In short, the good burghers were fond
of their sauer-kraut, but then they were proud of their clocks.
All people who hold sinecure offices are held in more or less
respect, and as the belfry—man of Vondervotteimittiss has the
most perfect of sinecures, he is the most perfectly respected of
any man in the world. He is the chief dignitary of the borough,
and the very pigs look up to him with a sentiment of reverence.
His coat-tail is very far longer—his pipe, his shoe-buckles, his
eyes, and his stomach, very far bigger—than those of any other
old gentleman in the village; and as to his chin, it is not only
double, but triple.
I have thus painted the happy estate of Vondervotteimittiss:
alas, that so fair a picture should ever experience a reverse!
There has been long a saying among the wisest inhabitants, that
“no good can come from over the hills”; and it really seemed that
the words had in them something of the spirit of prophecy. It
wanted five minutes of noon, on the day before yesterday, when
there appeared a very odd-looking object on the summit of the
ridge of the eastward. Such an occurrence, of course, attracted
universal attention, and every little old gentleman who sat in a
leather-bottomed arm-chair turned one of his eyes with a stare of
dismay upon the phenomenon, still keeping the other upon the
clock in the steeple.
By the time that it wanted only three minutes to noon, the droll
object in question was perceived to be a very diminutive
foreign-looking young man. He descended the hills at a great
rate, so that every body had soon a good look at him. He was
really the most finicky little personage that had ever been seen
in Vondervotteimittiss. His countenance was of a dark
snuff-color, and he had a long hooked nose, pea eyes, a wide
mouth, and an excellent set of teeth, which latter he seemed
anxious of displaying, as he was grinning from ear to ear. What
with mustachios and whiskers, there was none of the rest of his
face to be seen. His head was uncovered, and his hair neatly done
up in papillotes. His dress was a tight-fitting swallow-tailed
black coat (from one of whose pockets dangled a vast length of
white handkerchief), black kerseymere knee-breeches, black
stockings, and stumpy-looking pumps, with huge bunches of black
satin ribbon for bows. Under one arm he carried a huge
chapeau-de-bras, and under the other a fiddle nearly five times
as big as himself. In his left hand was a gold snuff-box, from
which, as he capered down the hill, cutting all manner of
fantastic steps, he took snuff incessantly with an air of the
greatest possible self-satisfaction. God bless me!—here was a
sight for the honest burghers of Vondervotteimittiss!
To speak plainly, the fellow had, in spite of his grinning, an
audacious and sinister kind of face; and as he curvetted right
into the village, the old stumpy appearance of his pumps excited
no little suspicion; and many a burgher who beheld him that day
would have given a trifle for a peep beneath the white cambric
handkerchief which hung so obtrusively from the pocket of his
swallow-tailed coat. But what mainly occasioned a righteous
indignation was, that the scoundrelly popinjay, while he cut a
fandango here, and a whirligig there, did not seem to have the
remotest idea in the world of such a thing as keeping time in his
steps.
The good people of the borough had scarcely a chance, however, to
get their eyes thoroughly open, when, just as it wanted half a
minute of noon, the rascal bounced, as I say, right into the
midst of them; gave a chassez here, and a balancez there; and
then, after a pirouette and a pas-de-zephyr, pigeon-winged
himself right up into the belfry of the House of the Town
Council, where the wonder-stricken belfry-man sat smoking in a
state of dignity and dismay. But the little chap seized him at
once by the nose; gave it a swing and a pull; clapped the big
chapeau-de-bras upon his head; knocked it down over his eyes
and mouth; and then, lifting up the big fiddle, beat him with it
so long and so soundly, that what with the belfry-man being so
fat, and the fiddle being so hollow, you would have sworn that
there was a regiment of double-bass drummers all beating the
devil’s tattoo up in the belfry of the steeple of
Vondervotteimittiss.
There is no knowing to what desperate act of vengeance this
unprincipled attack might have aroused the inhabitants, but for
the important fact that it now wanted only half a second of noon.
The bell was about to strike, and it was a matter of absolute and
pre-eminent necessity that every body should look well at his
watch. It was evident, however, that just at this moment the
fellow in the steeple was doing something that he had no business
to do with the clock. But as it now began to strike, nobody had
any time to attend to his manœuvres, for they had all to count
the strokes of the bell as it sounded.
“One!” said the clock.
“Von!” echoed every little old gentleman in every
leather-bottomed arm-chair in Vondervotteimittiss. “Von!” said
his watch also; “von!” said the watch of his vrow; and “von!”
said the watches of the boys, and the little gilt repeaters on
the tails of the cat and pig.
“Two!” continued the big bell; and
“Doo!” repeated all the repeaters.
“Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!” said the bell.
“Dree! Vour! Fibe! Sax! Seben! Aight! Noin! Den!” answered the
others.
“Eleven!” said the big one.
“Eleben!” assented the little ones.
“Twelve!” said the bell.
“Dvelf!” they replied perfectly satisfied, and dropping their
voices.
“Und dvelf it is!” said all the little old gentlemen, putting up
their watches. But the big bell had not done with them yet.
“Thirteen!” said he.
“Der Teufel!” gasped the little old gentlemen, turning pale,
dropping their pipes, and putting down all their right legs from
over their left knees.
“Der Teufel!” groaned they, “Dirteen! Dirteen!!—Mein Gott, it is
Dirteen o’clock!!”
Why attempt to describe the terrible scene which ensued? All
Vondervotteimittiss flew at once into a lamentable state of
uproar.
“Vot is cum’d to mein pelly?” roared all the boys—“I’ve been
ongry for dis hour!”
“Vot is com’d to mein kraut?” screamed all the vrows, “It has
been done to rags for this hour!”
“Vot is cum’d to mein pipe?” swore all the little old gentlemen,
“Donder and Blitzen; it has been smoked out for dis hour!”—and
they filled them up again in a great rage, and sinking back in
their arm-chairs, puffed away so fast and so fiercely that the
whole valley was immediately filled with impenetrable smoke.
Meantime the cabbages all turned very red in the face, and it
seemed as if old Nick himself had taken possession of every thing
in the shape of a timepiece. The clocks carved upon the furniture
took to dancing as if bewitched, while those upon the
mantel-pieces could scarcely contain themselves for fury, and
kept such a continual striking of thirteen, and such a frisking
and wriggling of their pendulums as was really horrible to see.
But, worse than all, neither the cats nor the pigs could put up
any longer with the behavior of the little repeaters tied to
their tails, and resented it by scampering all over the place,
scratching and poking, and squeaking and screeching, and
caterwauling and squalling, and flying into the faces, and
running under the petticoats of the people, and creating
altogether the most abominable din and confusion which it is
possible for a reasonable person to conceive. And to make matters
still more distressing, the rascally little scape-grace in the
steeple was evidently exerting himself to the utmost. Every now
and then one might catch a glimpse of the scoundrel through the
smoke. There he sat in the belfry upon the belfry-man, who was
lying flat upon his back. In his teeth the villain held the
bell-rope, which he kept jerking about with his head, raising
such a clatter that my ears ring again even to think of it. On
his lap lay the big fiddle, at which he was scraping, out of all
time and tune, with both hands, making a great show, the
nincompoop! of playing “Judy O’Flannagan and Paddy O’Rafferty.”
Affairs being thus miserably situated, I left the place in
disgust, and now appeal for aid to all lovers of correct time and
fine kraut. Let us proceed in a body to the borough, and restore
the ancient order of things in Vondervotteimittiss by ejecting
that little fellow from the steeple.